"If I were an angel...

+ J. M. J.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

www.youtube.com/watch

+ J. M. J.

Every morning I start my day out the same. At 5:45 I drink a glass or water, put my running shoes on and stretch. I'm out the door by 6 and back by 6:45. Then I get around, drink two large glasses of water and eat a small breakfast (like an apple or protein bar or reheated egg). At 7:20 I head to St. Ben's before leaving there for work at 7:50. Perfect way to start the day. :-)

 Article: http://tinyurl.com/nbnhgs Our Sunday Visitor, June 17, 2009.

Here is a first response upon reading this article concerning the recent Christopher West controversy involving the teaching of John Paul II's Theology of the Body .

1. I think I understand what West is doing, or at least what he is trying to do. I have heard him say it himself and again in this very article that he teaches for the purpose of explaining the teachings of John Paul II. When John Paul II mentions the word "sex" in his TOB teaching it is to define the identity of man, not the marital act. This is why so many misinterpret TOB to begin with.

2. At the day conference I went to, he spent so much time talking about stuff other than marriage and sex. He spoke about those called to the religious life and to the single. The theology of the body directly effects them, too, because what is chastity but the successful integration of sexuality within the human person? And when speaking of 'sex' as a term of identity. And every person is called to that no matter the vocation. The reason he does stress marriage is because most of the Church is called to that way of life. I believe people misinterpret his message as: "Wanna be holy, have great sex!" And I can definitely understand why that is uneasy and wrong, and I know for a fact and by truth that it is. But that isn't West's message. His message is two-fold:

A. In terms of marriage: The Church is the Bride of Christ. Heaven is the wedding feast of the Lamb. If you are called to marriage, you are called to mirror that marriage, because it is merely a sign of something greater and something we are all called to. And then he elaborates on how.

B. In terms of all people, his message is: when we look at ourselves, our sex, as male and female, complimenting one another in our bodies, psychology and emotions, and look at our intellect and free will created in the image and likeness of God, we learn of God. That is what the theology of the body is: literally the study of God through knowledge of the body. It answers a lot of questions about who we are and why we're here and why we are the way we are. That's what makes it a theological time bomb. And that is why it is so controversial. I expected controversy even within the Church concerning the Theology of the Body. I honestly did not see OSV taking a passive aggressive stance against West, which is what I see here. If I am wrong, then that is good. I hope I am. But this is a very public message that I believe could have been addressed differently.

3. OSV didn't come out and take a stand for or against him, but the underlying message was criticism. They gave the gentleman, his teacher at the JP2 Institute if I remember correctly, a full column in which he had nothing good to say. They gave Janet Smith about eight to ten lines to support him.

4. The Church knows that what was put on Nightline is against Church teaching. Christopher West has mentioned time and again that what they put on there is NOT his message. But in this article, they did not say, "Yeah, ABC messed up the message." It seems they are telling West, "Don't give them room to misinterpret the message." I agree with that. He is bold, but I wish I knew what that doctor described as bold. What about his teaching style is controversial in their eyes? They didn't specify. I think he understands the TOB and I agree with him and his message. But I also understand that his message of sexual freedom can definitely be taken to the other end of the spectrum. He associates sexuality with freedom as a means to holiness. As Catholics we see such phrases as "sexual freedom" and the red flags start popping up. That is treading dangerous water in a society, and in most of the homes of our Church even, that will see that message and think, "Hey, pal, you got the wrong idea here." The Catholics don't want it to be misinterpreted and the secular world will either take it as, "you prudish Catholics," or, "oh, you're giving me permission for this, that and the other that the Church teaches against? I thought you people were against that?! What?! You hypocrites!" It is a powerful message, but I honestly don't know how Christopher West can take this teaching and be discreet when necessary and then turn around and say, "Why deny your sexuality? You can be free in it! And here's how..." Yeah, it's bold. But it is definitely true to the original teachings of our late Great John Paul II. If you're curious how that is, feel free to drop me a line. I pray that the Church can find unity in this. When it comes to something like the Theology of the Body, there will never be pleasing everybody. I wish our society didn't have room for misinterpretation, but I don't see that as a reason to not push the envelope. I just pray he, myself and the Church can find a way to do this.

+ J. M. J.

My friends are lovely people. You know, you have the friends you hand out with, the friends you see when you happen to pass through town headed somewhere and the friends you call and talk to when you think about it. They're more than acquaintances but less than lifemates. But then you have friends who you'll really truly do anything under the sun for and know they will do the same for you. It doesn't matter that they would do it for you, but it is certainly pretty amazing if they do.

On Friday night I got a call from one of my dearest friends. He lives some 400 miles away. He said, "Would you let me in if I ring your doorbell at 3am tonight?" I laughed and said, "sure," but then realized he was being perfectly serious and asked over and over again, "Are you serious? Are you serious?" in sheer shock and delight, hardly holding in my joy as I literally bounced about.

And then I get a call from Josh. Josh is also a very dear friend. Josh also lives 400 some miles away. He said, "Sorry, but Ty won't be coming up tonight." My high plunged. "Hey, but that's okay, he's coming tomorrow." "Oh." "And that's okay, I'm coming with him." !!!!! No words can express.

So there were four of them at our apartment on Saturday. It was incredible. Kaisha and John came, too. There were late night Walmart runs, DQ Blizzards, muy expensive Chinese food, sitting and hanging, moseying through Zona Rosa, Barnes & Noble, much reminiscing and so many other things that made that weekend just fantastic.

And then they left. But that is okay. They drove 400 miles at the drop of a hat for no particular reason. ^_^ 'Twas lovely.

+ J. M. J.

 

The past year has been one of discovery. A year ago I would have never thought I would be standing here today as I am. A year ago I didn't know just how happier I would be today, but more so, how joyful. A year ago, I didn't know many things I know today. But I took what I had and reaped for God. It was all I could do. I knew I didn't have much to offer God, let alone anyone else and especially myself. But with time and grace God took a miserable little creature not worthy of looking at and made something just right for Him.

 

But long before that, He had to work in me and I had to work on myself. And at first and for the longest time I suffocated. Last summer I suffocated from a lack of truth and order. I suffocated from the inability to turn my will and turn to grace in my most desperate time of need. I suffocated from changing myself into someone I'm not. I suffocated from the inability to communicate my needs. I suffocated from not knowing sacrifice. I suffocated from putting my guard down and leaving my heart wide open while turning into the one thing, the one person, I swore I would never be.

 

I watched my world burn. In sheer terror I cried out to the darkness that submerged me. It was horrifying to realize that I helped start that fire. It was I who flamed that spark into being. If you have ever done this, you understand what I mean when I say that no matter how hard I tried to control it, a bigger gale would always fan the flames higher and higher until not only was I in fear of my very life, but what started out as one part of my life I couldn't control set everything else aflame. Everything. Everything was at jeopardy. And when it got too much and I lost faith, it happened. The pillars built on foundations of sand plunged into the sea overnight.

 

When dawn came, there was nothing. All of my human relationships were broken. My home was broken. My faith was broken. My will was broken. My heart, too, was bashed and torn. Talk about a Dark Night. For a time there were no resources to build up from, no one to turn to, nothing to give me any shred of peace and hope.

 

But even though I look back now and see that things were that way, I didn't see them that way at the time. No, I saw things very differently. That very day I turned to Who I should have turned to in the very first place, before my world burned. I turned to grace. I was given the grace to forgive others and myself and immediately I was healed of many things that tormented me. He took pity on me and my will was healed. Just like that. That was the first step on my journey.

 

The second step was to decide that every day is a good day (because it is a gift from God). It is the anthem of my life, but I had lost sight of it with so many other things. So every day I truly smiled and healed through learning that every thing and every person and every event in every day is a gift. What I do with that is up to me, but it had better reflect and be done in the One Who gives it. Because it glorifies Him. And all is done in His glory.

 

The third step came easy. It was to make the decision that I'm going to be okay. There was never a doubt in my mind that I was anything other than okay. I despise moping, so I didn't fall into that. I got up every morning and went to Mass and had long, candid Heart-to-hearts in the adoration chapel. A week later I had a job at a local coffee shop. I got a promotion. Then I got a job as a COO at a real estate company. One day turned to a week turned to a month turned to months and months. Things didn't change. My day remained the same. It was stable. It was concrete. It was sentient. It was peaceful. It was real.

 

The fourth step was important on moving forward. I sat down on day one of my new life and made a list (me? lists? no way!) of what is most important to me, because for so long I had no priorities save the wrong ones. I made a list of what is important.

 

The fifth step was to decide what I want. My life wasn't at a stand-still. My life was going places, places I couldn't begin to dream of. I made a list of things I wanted to do. I made a list of things I knew God wanted for me. And did them. I AM doing them! I am fulfilling my dreams, concretely and realistically. If I am an idealist, it is only because I am on my way to making those ideas reality. And there is no shame in that.

 

The sixth step was to figure out, now that I knew what was important and what I wanted, who I wanted to be. Realistically, I wanted to be the woman of my dreams. I wanted to be my Mother. I wanted to be my mom. I wanted to be so many things that in lacking specifics they became lofty and fuzzy and unreal. So I wrote them down. And became them.

 

The seventh step was to let others in. I didn't really know how to start, but I prayed for opportunities according to His will and opportunity showed itself. It was fantastic. I had long, long heart-to-hearts with my godmother and I thank God for her every day. I got to know Amor all over again. I cultivated friendships and got to know people I never let myself get to know on the grounds of guarding myself. But, as CS Lewis says, love is the willingness to take the risk of putting your heart out there. So I did. I loved.

 

Which brings me to the eighth step. This is the all-important step because everything else built a foundation for this. I had to get MY act together before this could come to play, but it was always, always there. What is love? An act done purely for the good of another. So I gave. Sacrificed for others. It continues to purify my heart. "Blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see God." Maybe that doesn't mean that the pure of heart will see Him in heaven, but that they can see Him right where they are. And when you pray for opportunities to give of yourself when it hurts, believe me when I say that it comes. Believe me, I fall hard and often. What matters is that I get back up and do something. (Not just get up and try, because trying isn't synonymous to doing. Telling yourself you're going to try at something is almost setting yourself up for failure. Telling yourself you're going to do something and meaning it most usually means it happens.) And it does hurt, sometimes asking more than you thought you could give, but that is where my will in union with grace comes in. I say this not to give myself credit, but to give credit to the One from Whom all goodness comes and all glory is due.

 

The first six steps happened immediately after watching my world burn down. It took months to learn the seventh and eighth.

 

Today I am so joyful, so happy, so at peace. I am truly ready to do things the Right Way while God tempers me like a fine sword. ("Brandi" literally means "flaming sword.") There is so much to hope for, so much to look forward to. But it is the little moments and opportunities every day that build a life. That is the success I look for. "I have taken the road less travelled. And that has made all the difference."

+ J. M. J.

I have come to the conclusion that the best jobs are those you can show up for in bare feet. The first thing I do when I sit at my desk every morning is take off my shoes.

So, I am Co-Founder and Co-President of an RPG Group, LLAMA. Can't wait to get started with our quests in the fall. It's going to be pretty amazing.

Probably going to spend the weekend with Jessica. :) I haven't seen her since February, even though she is basically right down the street.

Other than that, my classes are going well. I have three short papers I plan on writing tonight and some Sophocles and Augustine to read. My Zia class on Christian Marriage is pretty amazing.

For my Cinema class, we watched Alfred Hitchcock's 1926 silent film, The Lodger last night. It was a great movie. But it was even more fun creating our own script. "What do you mean my sweater is ugly, Daisy?!" "Darling, I only meant that it compliments your eyeliner." etc. If only doing homework was always as amusing.

It's 4:30 and I am going to head home. Lots of stuff to do! Always!

 † J. M. J.

Things are crazy. I have it worked out that I can get my bachelor's in two years on $30,000. That is incredibly cheap and soon. Of course, I'll be taking 4-5 courses at any given time for the next two years while working full-time, but hey, there is a definite chance that this can happen. Now all I need is for a long-lost rich uncle to sweep in and make amends for never being around by offering to pay for my education. Yes.

But while I'm waiting for that to happen I have an appointment with Dr. White and the financial aid lady tomorrow. :)

I'm taking four courses this summer and five in the fall. This is going to be crazy.

+ J. M. J.

I have nine minutes and eleven seconds to post.

I am at the Kansas City Public Library. It is grand and beautiful, with great pillars, marble floors and walls and chandeliers. There are gold accents and paintings on the ceiling. It is  a beauteous place. But, alas, I lost Beth in this massive place somewhere. It's easy to lose people here.

Apparently some drama took place. I stepped in a puddle of blood when we walked in the door. Later, I heard that two men had got into a fight over a couple of the library laptops. One man (a forty year old idiot) slammed the other with one of the laptops before bolting out the door. Apparently, this is why library security officers (there are quite a few here, actually) were bolting out the door as we were coming in.

They have a beautiful original model brass espresso machine here in the cafe. Unfortunately, it is now a great big paper weight. I would loved to have seen it in action in its prime.

Happy feast of Saint Athanasius! Pax Christi to all :)

+ J. M. J.

Someone told me late last night that it's easy to keep too much inside. When faced with hardship, sticking out my chin and brushing everything off my shoulders works wonders, on the outside, at least. But he also said that doing that is suffocating me. I can't see it now, but that one day I'm going to lose that which makes me stand out as me. He told me to do this and post it publicly, and I laughed and told him I don't think I ever would, but here goes nothing. It isn't in any particular order.

Things I'm Grateful For
The Holy Eucharist (and daily Mass)
Mary as my mother
Holy Mother Church
The Sacraments
Brandon & Bryce, my brothers
Mom & Dad
Family & Friends
The saints, my heavenly family
Daily Mass and Perpetual Adoration just blocks away
A job, one which I love
Not having to search or beg for my daily bread
Warmth
A roof over my head
Everyday opportunities to grow in the humility and patience I need
My cellphone, which keeps me connected to the people I love
The United States of America
Our military
Those who speak out for the family as the central pillar of society
Music
My piano
My big purple boat car
Being able to hear the ocean
Waking up to Grif and birds chirping every morning
The mountains, and being able to explore and climb them
Compassion for other people


Space heaters
V8 juice
Whole milk
Rosary Army and how being a part of it has changed my life
Benedictine College
My car
Low gas prices (knock on wood)
Sarcasm
Tag football
Halo
Green leaves on the trees
Being able to walk and see and smell and hear and feel
Cooking
Godiva Cheesecake Factory chocolate cheesecake
Being my father and mother's daughter, taking the bad with the good
Laughter

+ J. M. J.

More Time by Needtobreathe


I promise you the world again
and everything within my hands.
All the riches one could dream--
they will come from me.

I hope that you could understand.
This is not what I had planned.
Please don't worry now.
It will turn around.

Cause I need more time.
Just a few more months and we'll be fine.
So say what's on your mind
Cause I can't figure out just what's inside.

I hope that you could understand
This is not what I had planned.
Please don't worry now.
It will turn around.

Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we'll be fine
So say what's on your mind
Cause I can't figure out what's inside.

So say your mind
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we'll be fine.

We're off to new lands
So hold onto my hands
It's gonna be alright.

Hold on brighter
Stand by the fire
It's gonna be alright.

Yeah, the road gets harder
but it's not much farther
It's gonna be alright

Y'know that it ain't easy
Please believe me
It's gonna be alright.

Please don't worry now.
It will turn around.

I need more time.
Just a few more months and I'll be fine.
Please say what's on your mind
Because I can't figure out what's inside.

Say your mind
Cause I know we can make it if we try.
I need more time
Just a few more months and we'll be fine.

www.youtube.com/watch